


Liar Liar

by snotboy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bulimia, Cheating, Eating Disorders, Glorification of Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Marijuana, Na Jaemin-centric, everyone kinda sucks except for jeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snotboy/pseuds/snotboy
Summary: Jaemin wished he was different.He really did.





	Liar Liar

**Author's Note:**

> seriously pay attention to the eating disorder warning. seriously including the glorification of eating disorders.

“Hey! Hey Jaemin!” Mark Lee, of all people, yelled through the hallway. He smiled warmly once he finally got to where Jaemin stood stock still. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah…” Jaemin forced up something close to a smile.

“Hey how-how’s Renjun doing?” Mark licked his lips, “I haven’t heard anything.”

“Oh.” Jaemin could answer that. “He called last night. He’s coming back tomorrow.” 

“Cool. That’s cool.” Mark Lee wouldn’t win boyfriend of the year any time soon. “Do you wanna come over? I have a new strain. We could try it out if you want.” Jaemin shrugged.

“Sure I guess.” 

\--

They ditched all of their afternoon classes. Jaemin couldn’t quite remember getting to Mark’s place, or crawling out onto his roof, or where the pipe came from. He just had it in his hand. So he took a hit.

“Do you like it? It tastes like blueberries, right?” No. Not even a little bit.

“Yeah, I can taste it.” Jaemin mumbled. Mark smiled. So Jaemin smiled back. He took another hit while Mark started to tell him all about the strain. God he hated smoking. He hated weed. He managed another hit before Mark’s voice faded back into reality.

“I think I’m going to break up with Renjun.” Mark took back the pipe and silence washed over them. Well fuck. Broken hearted Renjun was the worst Renjun. The fall out would be brutal. There was going to be a bloodbath. Jaemin sighed. “I know he’s your best friend but… he’s just a little much for me.” Mark paused and gazed at Jaemin thoughtfully. “You’re different though.”

Oh fuck. Oh god.

“Renjun is trying.” Jaemin said softly. He could see into the neighbors yard from where they sat. A couple kids were running around and climbing one of the trees. 

“You’re right, he’s trying.” Mark slid a little bit closer, “You know… I’ve always thought you were beautiful.” He lowered his voice. It sounded like he had a chest cold. “Can I kiss you?” There wasn’t even a beat before he smashed his lips against Jaemin. It hurt. He grabbed Jaemin’s hip almost violently and moaned. It took an embarrassingly long time for the sensation to pass through Jaemin’s senses up into his brain and give him a reaction. He tried to squirm away but Mark wouldn’t let him go. “Do you want to move to my bed?” Jaemin jolted and crawled back into the house but when he went for the door Mark pulled him back. “Where are you going, sexy? I’m not done with you yet.” Mark caged him in against the wall and Jaemin panicked when he felt lips against his neck. 

This was Mark Lee. Renjun’s boyfriend. Definitely off limits. Suddenly he felt his skin restrict around him and Mark’s touches felt like knives slashing into his skin.

“I have to go!” He blurted out and shoved Mark away from himself. “I have therapy soon.” Jaemin bolted for the stairs and fumbled to get his keys out of his pocket as he ran.

“Woah- Jaemin are you sure you should be driving?” Mark asked frantically and followed him all the way to the front door.

“Yep! I’ll be fine! See you tomorrow!” His hands shook so bad he almost couldn’t unlock the door. He only made it around the corner anyways before he had to pull over. 

Jaemin could barely even see the road. Shit. There was no way the strain was that strong. Either way he could feel his bones rattling inside their cage while his skin shrunk around them. Every single fiber in the seat of the car pierced his skin. The sunlight turned everything so crystal clear the world looked like a kaleidoscope. Jaemin had to do something.

There was half a bag of chips and a plastic bag in the back seat. Perfect. He drove to the park like he was on autopilot. He inhaled the chips almost instinctively and grabbed the plastic bag. A bit of blood made it into his mouth when his nail scraped the back of his throat. Shit. Now his voice would creak for the next 48 hours. But he had to take the edge off- he had to do something, no matter the cost. 

When he was back to normal, comfortably watching his own actions from about a foot away, he let out a sigh of relief. There wasn’t a trashcan around so he tied off the bag and tossed it in the trunk. Swish some water. Spit that out onto the pavement. Ignore the swollen cheeks. Baby wipes to clean off the fingers. Good to go.

Jaemin shot a smile into the rearview mirror. His skin felt like plastic. His heart was beating at the speed of light. But the world was back where it should be. The light had dimmed, his bones had settled, and he could breathe easy again. Absently he hoped the weed would hit him soon. 

Time for therapy.

The road was back in focus, just a little faded around the edges. The waiting room made it feel like his mind was going to melt. Everything was a nice cool blue tone. Whale sounds played from the bluetooth speaker in the corner. It all smelled like tea.

“Jaemin?” He smiled on reflex. “Come on back!”

Dr. Jinri Choi. She was a good person, really, and a good therapist. Sometimes Jaemin felt bad that she got stuck with such a shitty patient. 

“So, tell me about your week. How has it been? What have you been up too?” She asked as BonBon, her hairless cat, jumped into his lap.

“Not much really.” He shrugged.

“Alright.” Dr. Choi smiled, “So what’s been on your mind?” 

He could see every nasty word his parents have ever said piled in the corner of every room but no matter how hard he tried to stitch his eyes shut he just couldn’t.

“I’ve been struggling a lot with body image.” She hummed and gestured for him to go on. “It’s just that ever since I gained back a bit of weight I don’t like what I see in the mirror.” Lies.

“How so?” She asked calmly.

“I just think I need to lose weight. Otherwise I look… you know, fat.” He muttered. Lies. But he had the speech down just right. This morning his mom told him that being such a pretty boy would only help him in life. She was right. Maybe if he peeled the skin off his face, chewed it up and spit it back out he wouldn’t be so pretty anymore. “I just don’t want to be ugly.” 

“Why?”

“Because then I’ll be worthless.” Truth. Though that might be better than the alternative.

“Why do you think that?”

“Well, it was when I was a kid…” Swallowing mouthwash in his grandma’s bathroom just to numb it down a little bit, “My mom had anorexia, so I guess I just copied her.” His mom screaming that he was the reason she couldn’t leave her husband. “My parents both put so much pressure on me to be perfect, you know?” Going limp on contact to avoid another broken arm. He knew how to survive the night and his father. 

“How did that impact you?” Jaemin could barely hear her over the sound of cameras clicking and men’s grunting. “Jaemin?”

“W-what? I’m sorry.” Distantly he thought he could hear a man calling his name, hissing out the words. Pretty boy.

“You seem a little distracted.” She hummed, “I think that’s where we’ll end for today.” She smiled kindly. “You’re doing really good work Jaemin.”

“Th-thank you.” He didn’t know if he smiled but he tried at least.

“Get home safe!” She called as he stumbled back out to his car. 

\--

Jaemin couldn’t think anymore. His brain felt like cotton the entire drive home. It must not have been enough earlier. He needed more. Not yet though. He couldn’t yet.

The need got stronger once he unlocked the front door. 

“Jaemin! You’re home.” A slurred voice called from the couch. The TV played quietly in the background.

“Hey dad. What are you watching?” His dad hummed quietly. He tried not to see the little orange bottle. He tried to ignore the stench. 

“I tried to call your brother. Little bitch wouldn’t even answer the phone.” Jaemin sat down on the living room chair just like he was supposed too. “You know I don’t understand why Yuta is just so ungrateful.” His dad coughed loudly and stumbled to his feet. “I paid for his college and he just pissed it all away. Failed every class.” He stumbled towards the fridge and that was when Jaemin noticed how bare it was. Except for one thing. Hundreds of individual bottles of Lipton iced green tea with a hint of lemon. A couple of them half gone.

“I don’t understand him dad. He should be more grateful.” Jaemin prattled off the right answer.

“Lazy bitch just couldn’t wake up before 2pm.” His dad laughed. 

Yuta had a job at a cafe across town. He woke up every morning at 4am. Jaemin bit the inside of his cheek. It was getting worse.

“Piece of shit needs to just move back home. He’s wasting money.”

Jaemin felt every pore on his body opening and closing. He almost missed his cue.

“It’s pointless. Yuta is being stupid.” The words felt like acid pouring out of his mouth. His vision was too sharp. He felt every particle of oxygen entering his lungs. “Dad I have to do homework!”

Wrong answer. 

He would pay for it later, but he had to get out. The single beat of silence felt like it stretched on forever.

“Okay.”

Jaemin almost ran to his bedroom. He had his own bathroom, attached to his room, so no one could stop him even if they wanted too. The food stash was gone so he chugged back as much water as he could just so he could puke it back up. He spent 45 minutes on his knees in front of the toilet. Chugging and puking and chugging and puking. The playlist he had ended so he knew he had to stop. He laid down on the floor once he was done, panting against the cold surface. The calm washed over him and settled into his bones, slowly making its way through his entire body. He even smiled- his first true smile of the day. It was just… so good.

Eventually he was tired of basking in the glory so he rolled over to check his phone. 47 likes on the nudes he posted last night. Donghyuck asking for a hookup. Jaemin wondered if he would end up with a sprained wrist like last time or something worse. Mark Lee begging him not to tell. He rolled his eyes. He wasn’t stupid. Then Renjun. He was back from the hospital and wanted to chill.

Jaemin pushed himself to his feet as best as he could. Time to perform best friend duties. So he locked the bedroom door, turned out the light, and opened the window. That last session was good enough, long enough, that it would get him through the night. He tapped the steering wheel to the beat of his music the whole ride there just to help keep his eyes on the road. 

When he rolled up to the house Renjun was already waiting outside.

“Jae… I’ve missed you.” Renjun pulled him into a warm hug that he found himself returning. For his friends sake he pretended not to notice the tears wetting his shirt. “Ah- come on. We’re going to my neighbors. His parents aren’t home.” He said once they separated and grabbed at Jaemin’s hand to drag him down the road. Two doors down and Renjun let himself in without even knocking. “Jeno! We’re here!”

A taller boy rounded the corner. He had a soft smile. Gray sweatpants with the school’s logo on the side. A t-shirt that fit maybe too well. Probably an athlete. Huh.

“Hey! You must be Jaemin. I’m Jeno. It’s nice to finally meet you.” His voice was so quiet and gentle that Jaemin almost missed what he said. He wasn’t sure why his breath hitched when their eyes met. 

“Come on- where’s your parent’s liquor cabinet?” Renjun yelled over his shoulder as he ran into the kitchen.

“Are we on babysitting duty tonight?” Jeno asked playfully. Jaemin couldn’t help it. He laughed. “I thought so.” Jeno shook his head. “Well then, right this way my dear.” 

Jaemin smiled.

Huh.

Jeno’s hand was warm where it brushed against his back.

“Alright let’s get fucked up!” Renjun slammed a bottle onto the kitchen counter. Vodka. Orange flavored. Unopened. 

“Hey, Renjun, let’s keep it lowkey tonight.” Jeno swiped the bottle up, “I don’t want to have to clean up the mess.” He sent Jaemin a wink.

Huh.

Okay.

“Alright, alright. We can do something chill.” Renjun paused. “Drinking game?” He grinned so Jaemin grinned. Jeno just laughed when Renjun pushed past and dashed back into the living room. He held out his hand to Jaemin and smiled so damn wide when he took it. 

Alright.

When they sat down on the couch Renjun was already pulling something up on the TV.

“RuPaul?” Jeno raised an eyebrow.

“RuPocalypse.” Jaemin grinned and swiped up the bottle for himself. “Drink anytime something iconic happens. We play it a lot.” He unscrewed the bottle. No one challenged him for first taste so down the hatch it went. 

“It’s a game perfect for the gays. Surprised we never got you in on it earlier.”

Huh.

Jeno’s gay.

Well okay then.

He cradled the bottle in his lap and slammed back as much as he thought he could get away with before Renjun took the bottle back. Jeno swung his arm up on the back of the couch and Jaemin tipped over against his side. It was warm. Nice.

They passed the bottle back and forth for a while until he realized that Jeno never even asked for a sip. Interesting. Either way the two of them managed to clear a big portion of the bottle. Jaemin tuned out way before then. 

Sometimes he wished he was an alcoholic. Or a drug addict. That wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t. But...still. They could keep you away from that shit, but they couldn’t keep you away from food. 

  
  


Jaemin wished he was different.

  
  


He really did.

  
  


Suddenly he was being pulled gently to his feet, but he stumbled anyways. 

“Woah, are you okay?” Jeno. It was Jeno half carrying him down an unfamiliar hallway with no Renjun in sight. Oh. Well, if it was going to happen at least Jeno was nice. It might not hurt so bad. Jeno shifted his weight enough to open a door and pull them both inside. “Alright, here you go.” Jaemin popped awake long enough to realize he was sitting down on a bed with Jeno standing before him. So he reached for Jeno’s pants and got as far as pulling the fly down before he was stopped. “Woah! Woah there. Not tonight.” Jeno chuckled. “I mean I’m flattered, but you’re way too drunk.” He thought he felt a kiss on the top of his head. “Just get some sleep.”

Weird.

Very weird.

Jaemin dreamed of a camera shutter. The low whine that old video cameras used to make. 

He woke with a start.

The first thing he noticed was how warm he was, and how comfortable. His bed was never this safe. And his sheets weren’t white. He rolled over and found his phone plugged in and charging on the bedside table with a little piece of paper perched on top. 

_ Hey, I had early practice so I had to leave. Eat some breakfast. Stay as long as you want. Text me when you wake up! -Jeno _

There was even a little smiley face at the end.

Jaemin laid back in the bed and let those words wash over him.

Lee Jeno.

Not what he expected.

Nice though.

  
  


Really nice. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on twitter at @babysharkmp3


End file.
